I have been set straight. Thank Saint Earl-of-Wich I lived long enough to see improvements on these essential quotidian tasks.
Other things I am doing wrong:
1. Putting on nylon stockings. My mother always put on a pair of white cotton gloves before slipping her foot into a stocking and shimmying it up her leg. I don’t have any white cotton gloves.
That’s it. We must be perfect around here. Please don’t poke any holes in our delusion. That would just be wrong.